Girlfriends.
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apartI carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
- ee cummings
I’d say it was a coincidence that the message popped up when it did, but there are no coincidences of course.
Not even 10 minutes up from a bad dream that left me waking in the middle of the night with a deep longing and loneliness despite the house full of humans that I love, I flipped on the light and was contemplating doom-scrolling when my phone buzzed on the nightstand.
It had made her heart ache to see it, she said. The GooglePhotos memory collage that had popped up with pictures of me and her oldest kid who is now so much bigger than she was in the photos. Years have passed, new babies born, and we have only gotten to see each other a few times and not at all since the pandemic changed the world.
If I had one of those best friends necklaces—the kind with one heart split between two chains—for every friend that I have had to leave, there would be a bittersweet collection spilling out of my drawer.
That’s the drag about this Foreign Service life: we are always eventually leaving the people we love. And sometimes I know I’ll see them again and sometimes I’m not so sure.
I’ve been missing them all lately. And it’s made my heart ache a touch. (Or maybe a little more if I’m waking up lonely after sad dreams…)
I’m at the point in the new post where I’ve made a couple of good acquaintances and even ones I’ve shared a few deeper things with. But I haven’t yet made the type of friend that I can fold laundry in front of. And I miss it. I miss the intimacy of messy kitchens and of joint errand runs because it doesn’t matter what you’re doing if you’re doing it with the right who (and errands need to get done somehow).
Part of me knows it’s a life stage. It is infinitely harder to manage around school schedules and nap schedules and household obligations and all of the other things that get in the way.
It begs the question: am I missing something that I could even have right now?
I’m fast approaching middle age with a 40th birthday coming quickly. And I feel like I have even more to offer now than I did in my angsty 20s and my setttling-in 30s. I know who I am, what I value, who I could love…
But is it even possible to have the type of friendships that involve long movie marathons in yoga pants on lazy Saturdays when there are small kids that also need attention?
Or is it time to change what my idea of deep friendship could look like these days?
I hope maybe it’s somehow both.
I’ve recently had the chance to be a guest on two podcasts talking about making and maintaining friendships as a sober diplomatic spouse who has to move every couple of years. I share my experience and some pragmatic tips that I hope will help anybody who is making or keeping friends as an adult (p.s. that’s all of us!).
You Can Make Friends, Episode 1 with Louisa Liska
Make Life Less Difficult, Episode 86 with Lisa Tilstra
